The Phone Sex Girl

Pearl Harbor, early Nineties. I'd reached a point where I was happy getting drunk in my room on the weekends, having finally come to accept the utter futility of club'ing as a way to get laid. As I said before, there had to be around 50 guys for every woman in Waikiki, single or not. Not as bad as Guam (about 300:1) but sort of a letdown after the PI and Thailand. So, because I was home one Friday night, I happened to get in on the ground floor of a six-month long relationship our barracks collectively had with a person we referred to as "the Phone Sex Girl."

As the name implied, this woman (as far as I could tell she was female, but who really knows) would call up our room and try to get us hot & bothered over the phone. The first time I got one of these calls, I thought for sure it was either a prank or a wrong number. However, if it was a prank, I certainly didn't mind because whoever the caller was, she was GOOD at it. Although I was fairly abrupt the first time she called, it didn't deter her; she called back at least once a week for the next several months.

Everyone in my room talked to her at one time or another. But, while she was trying to get us to talk dirty to her or whatever, we were just trying to get her to give us a clue who she was. After a few calls (and a lot breathy conversation) all we knew was that she was in her early to mid twenties, not in the military, and not in school. We knew all sorts of other crap, like what she could do with various fruits and vegetables in the shower, but no hard data.

We also soon realized that we were not the only ones in our barracks getting calls; since they had all the single guys on the boat packed in the same building, and since weird phone sex is just one of those things that naturally comes up in conversation during a six hour watch, it wasn't long before we were all comparing notes. Interestingly, she didn't call the squids in the adjacent building (who were on the Buffa-ho), which made us suspect she'd targeted our boat specifically.

I wish this tale had a happy ending (pardon the pun), but I still don't know for sure who she was. Our best guess was that it was someone's wife, someone on the boat who had access to the recall list. Phones were relatively new in the barracks back then (no one had cell phones), and there weren't any by-building phone directories. However, she never seemed to know who she was calling the first time she called, so that was only a guess. There is also the fact that the calls stopped around the same time one of the JO's got sent to DC. We were almost sad when she did finally stop calling; the only other person who ever called wanting to screw us on a regular basis was our chief.