My Wife, She...

One of the numerous reasons that Civilian Life Is Preferred (or "clip", as in the paper clip surreptitiously peaking out of my chest pocket) is that, as a civilian employee, you can pretty much take time off whenever you need it. Sick? Call in sick, stay home, and get better. No hiking to the nearest sickbay to convince some corpsman to write you a note. Car trouble? Call in, take a "personal day", and just get the thing fixed. No one freaks out, the world doesn't come to an end.

Unfortunately, that's not the way the Navy does it.

Generally, there's no time off without prior approval, even in port. And it's not always easy to get that approval; the better you do your job, the more likely the command is too scared to let you take a day off under any circumstances. So, being devious and not to be trusted, we blueshirts have to come up with iron-clad excuses if we need a break. The most hallowed of these is the "my wife she" gambit.

While no guy wants to bag his buddies, it's another matter altogether if you're doing something for your wife. There's an unspoken understanding that, while you may work for the chief, your ass actually belongs to the admiral at home. It's not all that unusual for a squid to call in around 0700 and tell his boss "my wife needs me to take the kids to school" or "my wife needs me to fix the toilet before I come in", and these excuses are generally accepted. The only people likely to give you shit are the single guys, and they're not getting any, so who cares what they think?

While most sailors are fairly proficient at the My Wife She when necessary, one electrician on my first boat was a true artist. This guy, who I'll call "Hoogus", was so good at coming up with excuses that he didn't even need to use the "wife" part. Here is just one of his gems:

"I can't come to work because the radio in my car isn't working."

And, when told this, our leading first just sort of nodded and let him have the day off. Hoogus had once again raised the bar, and thus had earned a break. But there was actually more to the story.

If you try to call the boat, especially in the morning, you're lucky if you can even get someone to answer the phone. There are only a couple of phones, but answering one almost always means more work (tracking down whoever the call is for, taking a message, etc.) so no one does so unless they're really bored.

Hoogus couldn't get anyone to answer in the ER when he called that morning, so he ended up talking to a forward ET in Control. Hoogus asked him to find our chief and tell him that he'd be late, as his car wouldn't start. That was a pretty lame excuse (for Hoogus, anyhow), so it was probably true. The forward ET, always helpful, asked him what the problem was.

"My battery is dead, and there's no one to give me a jump" Hogus explained
"How do you know the battery is dead?" inquired the ET
"It won't turn over, " Hoogus elaborated "none of the lights are on, and the radio doesn't work. Not to mention I'M A FUCKING ELECTRICIAN; I think I know a dead battery when I see it!"
"Shit man, okay!" stammered the ET, as he scurried off to find the rest of us and deliver the message.

Of course, by the time he actually made it back aft, the ET had forgotten a large chunk of it, and all that got reported was that Hoogus couldn't come in because the radio in his car was broke. We were all impressed, and did not begrudge him a day off. Unfortunately, Hoogus was unaware of all this and showed up about an hour later, having caught a ride with a neigbor. The chief saw him before any of us could tell him what happened, so he ended up having to stay. It was a shame; that was one of the best "my wife she"s ever.